Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
The sign of the fish is called that not because you might smell like fish. It is because lying around whining about your life is not an admirable trait. That is why you have been dubbed The Fish.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Watch out for any thoughts that come into your head. They are aliens that should be dismissed immediately. Keep up the good work at pissing off everyone you have ever met. It doesn't matter that you act like you are better than everyone else. No one is paying attention to you anyway.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
You need to watch out this month that you don't fall over dead from lack of action. Watching football on TV is not an active lifestyle. Put the submarine sandwich down and back away from the refrigerator, NOW. Getting a life will help with that weight problem.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Gemini the twins does not refer to the Barbi Twins. It means that walking around talking to your other half makes you look insane. While that might be entertaining at a party it also makes you the poster person for geek of the week.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You are the sensitive type that is always looking out for the other person, so they can hear all about you. Most everyone has heard your story and it doesn't get any funnier the more you tell it. For a real treat try getting together with a Cancer and have a crying contest.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
Leo The Lion. What an interesting picture the lion presents except when thought of in conjunction with Leo's. You are not the king of the jungle. You are not the king of your own household. Most people don't mind hanging around with you as long as you don't speak.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
Virgo should be called the sign of the lost. Most Virgo's are lost. They marvel at how people manage to get to the 7-Eleven and back. They should not be allowed behind the wheel of an automobile, nor should they ever operate heavy machinery.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
In all fairness to people born under the sign of Libra it should be said when was the last time anyone saw you being fair. Just because you like to make decisions doesn't mean that your decisions are fair. They are just your need to be in control. Let someone else talk for a change.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Scorpio rules the genitalia. Most Scorpio people think this makes them a good lover, but not so my little masturbation monkeys. Frequency does not equate with quality in any way. You brush you teeth every day. Does not make you a dentist? You might try slowing it down there and going for some quality instead of quantity. Try to last for 2 minutes.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Sagittarius seems to be the only fire sign that has no fire. Getting a great idea and never doing anything about it is not fire it is just daydreaming. You might think about putting away the slide rule and check in with humanity now and then.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
There are not enough good things to say about Capricorn. In fact, there are no good things that can be said about Capricorn. If being a control freak was an Olympic sport Capricorn would take home the gold every time. Your friends only pretend to be listening to your tirades and endless pontificating. Take a vow of silence.