Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb.18)
You can always give thanks that you are not a Capricorn or a Leo. The best thing for you to do this month is to complain about the other signs being Ass holes. This will take attention away from the fact that you are the quintessential dork.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
You can always give thanks that you were not one of the fish caught and cooked for this holiday. You can cry yourself to sleep tonight thinking about all those hapless souls that think you are a total wimp. If you could find a girlfriend she would be more of a man than you.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
You can always give thanks that you are better than everyone else. You have a grip on everything and everyone else is just a fool for not believing a word you say, EVER.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Being thankful is an idea that has not occurred to you yet. Thanks for what. Hey that ham last Christmas was a great gift unless you are a pig. Taurus people are slow, lazy bastards that are not thankful for anything except a good nap.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Hey you girls are looking really good. No really. Both of you. Would you like to share medication with me? How long have you two been in here? Will you ever get out? Can you take me with you?

Cancer: (June 22--July 22
You could be thankful that you don't have Cancer. You don't really need to be thankful you can just keep feeling sorry for yourself until someone notices your pitiable lot and has a good cry with you. Hey, then you can give them shit for agreeing with you.

Leo: (July 23--August 22)
Leo can be thankful that we eat turkeys on Thanksgiving instead of bastards. No Leo's actually have fathers, or at least they can't find them and for good reason. Would you want to admit your child was a Leo?

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You can be thankful that there are lunch lines somewhere. You need to find one and get in it. It will lead to food. You are to damn dumb to be wandering the streets. Find the Salvation Army lunch and dig in. And try not to talk to anyone.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Libra is always at the top of fairness and goodwill. That is why you should kill yourself. It would be a goodwill gesture toward humankind. Oh, and thanks for being right all the time.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Being thankful for the beaver sounds like a 50's TV show but what else do you have. You have had sex with everyone you have ever met, including the neighborhood animals and what do you have to be thankful about? You don't have to pay child support to the SPCA.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
It is getting cold. The thankfulness meter is running slow. You have not invented a Thanksgiving droid to take the shit you will have to face at dinner with the you know who. Time sucks. What was I talking about.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Always the Ass Hole of the Zodiac Capricorn gets to be the center of attention with everyone on the yellow brick road. You can give thanks for all the little people that don't realize what an Ass Hole looks like up close. You have a lot to say about you and everyone should have a chance to listen. You need to shut your piehole and get on with boring everyone you know.