by ANUBIS

Forget about wooing a girl with your words. Ditch the whole suave thing. Do you really think that your new Palm Pilot will impress her? You are at a bar, rapidly approach-ing intoxicated status, and you think that your Sylvester Stallone swagger is going to get you any action? Chicks don't even know who Sly is anyway. You need a plan. How are you going to get that fine piece of ass before the barkeep shouts last call? Simple...get 'em shit-faced! Don't feel like less of a man; it is a scien-tific fact that you will be 100% more attractive when she is three sheets to the wind. (Let's just call it stacking the deck in your favor!) The only hurdle left to surpass is how to go about getting your lady in a lush-like state. You have caught her eye from across the crowded room. Now, take note of what she is drinking. If it is a frilly mixed drink, this is going to be easy! Send over an equally sugary mixed drink as an icebreaker. After she receives it, gauge her reaction. If she puts it back on the bar, retreat, retreat! Go to the other side of the room and regroup. If she smiles and accepts, you're in! Move in for the kill! Now, here you are chatting with a girl who, with your own set of beer goggles firmly in place, looks more and more like Pamela Anderson. For some reason she isn't naked yet. Hmmm, she needs more liquor. Okay, you must act quickly. It won't take long for her to realize that you are only after one thing, and that you probably are not best buds with George Clooney. Take a glance at my patented "shot to hookup" chart to see what you will need to bag this chick.

VODKA
The only reason the Russians invented this drink was to get those hefty Russian gals to take off all those layers of clothes. Not only did they need something strong to take down those mammoth broads, but to get anyone to take off a layer in the frigid conditions of the former USSR, you need a strong libation!
Hookup Potential: If you can get a girl to do a shot of this rubbing alcohol, you shouldn't have any problems. Not only will this be fast, you will also save money because it should only take one or two shots. Viva la vodka!

JOLLY RANCHERS
If you are plying a girl with these shots, you may as well set up camp bar-side. Bartenders tend to make these quasi-shots with the bare minimum of liquor. Usually the gals that are sucking these things down are going to be way too frilly to be ready for a one night romp, so you have your work cut out for you.
Hookup Potential: Not completely hopeless, but pay the bartender extra to make them strong. You'll be spending more money and time, but have a little patience. Girls who suck these down are generally lightweights.

SCOTCH
Scotch and whiskey both fall into the same dangerous category. No one drinks this of their own free will. If a girl is voluntarily drinking this fire water, trust us, she is manlier than you. Get out of this situation before you are arm-wrestling the she-man and losing!
Hookup Potential: High hookup potential, but much too Crying Game-ish. Play it safe and avoid both of these when you are looking for love.

TEQUILA
Suck it and lick it! The sexual overtures are rampant with a shot of tequila. God bless whoever thought of the salt and lemon thing. If you find a girl who fesses up to eating the worm, you are golden!
Hookup Potential: Tequila puts the rest to shame! First of all, in general it is easier to get a broad to do a shot of tequila than vodka. Second, after two shots, she will be willing to lick salt off any of your body parts and even more willing to suck just about anything!

MIND ERASERS
These chocolaty-tasting milky concoctions are rights of passage for the twenty-one sector. The drink comes with a straw. It's essential to suck it up in one fell swoop. That's what makes this drink deadly... and live up to its name.
Hookup Potential: If you can get a chick to down one of these, you are probably in the clear, but the name tends to deter first-timers. If she has already tried one, she probably won't remember, so you don't have to worry about that first experience haunting her!