Taurus
The last time someone complimented you by saying you were a really sweet person, you knew, deep down, that it wasn't true. The law of averages would suggest that at some point in your life, someone has referred to you as "that idiot." When people reflect on the world and say, "There are so many stupid people in the world," they're talking about you.

Gemini
Your parents didn't think about what they were doing for a second. They just reproduced like dumb apes, and here you are Ðpart of the problem. I would be willing to wager that at some point your mother was holding you, looking at you, saying to herself, "What the hell was I thinking?" Killing yourself would be a good idea. The only problem is that you don't have the guts.

Cancer
You can buy all the soaps, perfumes and deodorants you want. But rest assured, your body will still emit several very unpleasant odors. As you get older, you are going to have less and less control over your bladder. You're fat. When they perform an autopsy on you, they're going to have to peel away several inches of viscous, yellow fat to get a look at your vital organs. Beat yourself up a little today. Mask the pain with drugs.

Leo
You will spend the rest of your life alone. You have a lot of physical flaws. How do you expect anyone to be attracted to you? Beyond mere attraction, how do you expect anyone to fall in love with you? Why, the notion is preposterous. You know, everybody's pretty sick and tired of hearing about your problems. Go on one of Richard Simmons' infomercials and let him tell you that you're not really all that pathetic.

Virgo
You are not very good in bed. Admit it, you're tired of having sex with the same person. Especially when that person is you. Have you considered a life of prostitution? As it is, you're just going through the motions when you have sex. You might as well be getting paid. Look out for number one, and go get a mint, your breath smells like number two.

Libra
Someday your special someone is going to wake up and realize that you're not worth the time of day, and he or she is going to leave you and never speak to you again. There's nothing very special about your special someone. Anyone would have sufficed. You should get out of your relationship first, before your partner does. It hurts a lot less to dump someone than it does to get dumped. Love will hurt you. You are better off alone.

Scorpio
Are you one of those total loon-balls that has a pet bird? What the hell are you thinking? That special bond you think you have with your pet is imaginary. As long as it has food and water, you could get hit by a train tomorrow, and your pet wouldn't think anything of it. If times get tough, at least you can eat your pet. Come to grips with your problems today by having a complete emotional breakdown.

Sagittarius
You are in the bottom ten percent of wage earners. You have no talent. You have no ideas. Listen to that little voice inside that says, "I don't have what it takes to do this job." You are not creative. When you laugh at work, you're really crying. Think about it. You are not contributing to the betterment of humanity. In fact, you are a harbinger of the apocalypse. They could easily replace you. You are not very smart. What purpose do you serve, exactly?

Capricorn
You know that feeling when you show up at work first thing in the morning and your eyes are heavy Ðnot only from being tired but also from crying about how meaningless your life is and how much you hate your job Ðand you don't want to be there today, and you feel uncomfortable in your dress-up clothes, and the taste of coffee is heavy on your mouth, and you wonder what the hell you're doing with your life? Get used to that feeling. You will feel it every day for the rest of your life. Develop a drinking problem.

Aquarius
Did you ever stop to think just how insignificant you are in the grand scheme of things? I mean, it doesn't really make any difference whether you live or die, does it? The world would have been no different if you had never been born. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Keep thinking. I bet you're stumped. You'll probably never get over these hard times. If only you had been aborted.

Pisces
So, your life is really screwed up. That much we can agree on. But just pause for a moment and think about how much time it would take to put your life back together. Think of all that struggle. I'm telling you, it's just not worth it. When the chips are down, and you really need God's help, he's not going to be there for you, because he doesn't exist. But hey, maybe Santa will show up. Nobody's really interested in making things better for you anyway. You're going to feel terrible for a long, long time.