TAURUS
You can't even figure out which gender you are, you moronic androgynous specimen. It's easy to tell why you are celibate, you cantankerous, foul-tempered, self-loathing nonentity. You have a face that would give Freddie Kruger nightmares. How much would you charge to haunt a house? People like you are the reason cults exist. If brains were gasoline, you wouldn't have enough to run a piss ant's go-kart around the inside of a donut. Did your mother leave you in the dryer too long when you were a kid, you little tap-dancing Leprechaun in a pink wig? I love that shirt you're wearing. It's obvious you shop at only the finest garage sales.

GEMINI
You're a politically vacillating phony liberal f**k; too damn broadminded to take your own side in a debate. Calling you a pea brain would be an insult to peas, you jellyfish-sucking mental midget. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth? You're uglier than the south-facing end of a north-bound mule. Your favorite pastimes include molesting small animals, masturbating behind bushes, and wearing fish-net tights while singing Elton John songs.

CANCER
You four-eyed, cerebrally-deluded, Einstein-impersonating, pseudo-intellectual nerdturd with a head full of misfiring synapses. You are so fat you've got cellulite that makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic. Do you get a clearer idea of how pathetic you are, you minimum wage earning human equivalent of a bidet? Technically, you're a man. Technically, so is a she-male Ladyboy from Thailand. In reality, you're nothing more than a pitiful gin-sodden excuse for anything other than a rancid f**kweasle! Married, eh? Since when did brother and sister marriages become legal?

LEO
You're the typical left-wing, know-nothing, good-for-nothing, bleeding heart bungling bum who thinks the world owes you a living for doing nothing but farting into the ozone layer. I've seen wounds that were better dressed than you are, you toad-licking', hound-kicking', snot-flicking', inbred swamp spawn! Get a glass belly button; that way, if your head goes any further up your ass, you can still look out and see what the rest of the world is up to.

VIRGO
You are as welcome wherever you go as a rattlesnake at a square dance, and have a knack for making strangers immediately. You're a one-trick pony, and the trick is old. The only person who would give you a second date is a chronic amnesiac. You put the 'ex' into sex. You get carried away with your own self-importance. The trouble is, you don't get carried far enough away. When you open your mouth, it's only to change feet. You are like watching Amputee Field Hockey: pathetic, and very quickly disgusting. Remember, I'm better than you and always will be. It's not my fault, just a matter of natural selection.

LIBRA
Someday, you'll go too far; the further the better - and everyone will hope you stay there. People as boring as you should really be quarantined. You are about as uplifting as a fire in an orphanage. Sex with you is about as exciting as 100 games of Solitaire in a row while reciting the Greek alphabet. The plain truth is you plain suck. Your morals are lower than the fluff in an earthworm's belly button. I suggest you commit yourself to a Psychiatric hospital before what is left of your sanity disappears. You should be left strapped upright in a chair, fed mushy peas (and other non-solids) with a rubber spoon in a darkened room with only your tortured and erratic fantasies for comfort and occasional self-pleasuring.

SCORPIO
You should treat people with more respect. Someday, it's going be their tax dollars paying for your gender reassignment treatment. You continue to drift aimlessly in a sea of delusions and willful ignorance while desperately clinging to your over-active libido to give a false sense of buoyancy to your sinking mind. However, I remain impressed by your God-given gift for unparalleled ineptitude. You should drill a large hole in the side of your head, and when people call you retarded, you'll actually have an excuse. You are road kill waiting for a shovel. Go wait somewhere else.

SAGITTARIUS
I have given deep and careful consideration to whether or not I should insult you. And after three seconds of such deep and careful consideration, I decided: what the hell. Your genes have dictated that you will always be a loser. You are one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. You would be out of your depth in a parking lot puddle. You couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field of clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating dance. You are obviously suffering from Clue Deficit Disorder. How true is Stanislaw J. Lec's famous remark: "Every now and then you meet someone whose ignorance is encyclopedic."

CAPRICORN
You have less value than the sustenance that can be scavenged from the rotting bowels of a dead bat in some subterranean abyss. I'm not surprised you're single, you pimple-faced perpetual wedgie victim. If you're attractive, Quasimodo is a former Mr. Universe, you full-of-yourself baboon butt-ugly bulbous babbling baffled boob. I bet you thought it was just coincidence that your parents had the same surnames before they married. Do everyone misfortunate enough to know you a favor: become a crash test dummy with no helmet, you molester of peg-legged sailors.

AQUARIUS
Nice clothes, you couldn't look like a bigger ass in that outfit if you were attached to the backside of Oprah. You are so fat that your cereal bowl has its own lifeguard. I bet the highway patrol make you wear a sign on your fat ass that reads, 'Caution: Wide Load!' Now, why don't you climb onto that Special Needs tricycle of yours with the fourth wheel attached for extra-ensured retard stability and pedal your fat ass down to the sports field and do some "outdoors" stuff for a change. Maybe you wouldn't be such a pathetic loser if the chief excitement in your meaningless life wasn't spotting people who are fatter than you are, or if you didn't have a face that could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck. Who am I kidding? You would.

PISCES
My guess is that if you had a brain, it would just be another part of your body that smelled like rotten mackerel. Your personality grows on people - just like a fungus grows on cheese. Any friend of yours is a lousy judge of character. Calling you "boring" doesn't do justice to just how tedious you are. But suffice to say that you couldn't even entertain a doubt. Most repair manuals are far more interesting than you, and far less turgid to read. You wouldn't know Up from Down if you had three guesses. Dullard, do yourself and everyone else a favor, take a fatal overdose of your medication.