If a guy comes up to you with an ego almost as big as his gut and tells you that SPLASH is going out of business, tell that bozo to go play some lame, white-boy blues. Well, just go tell this fat white-boy to play some blues and the rest will take care of itself because it will undoubtedly be lame.
You see, SPLASH has had a string of bad luck in its Sales Department, and we do apologize to our advertisers for unleashing two lunatics on you.
First, there was Funky Larry from the Funky Blues Kings. Yes, we're calling him out because, unlike his slanderous claims that are mere fabrication, we have the goods on him. And, believe us, Larry is "funky" in more ways than one.
Being a loving family, SPLASH was able to over-look his magazine tearing rampages for not being in our calendar. We were able to over-look his incessant name dropping of being a part of the magazine in order to get gigs and bar tabs. We were able to over-look the fact that he hadn't done anything right the entire time that we worked for us. But, we can not over-look his hurtful and slanderous (by the legal definition Ð hint, hint!) claims to our advertisers that there is a warrant out for our Fearless Leader's arrest and that SPLASH will no longer be in publication.
SPLASH has a track record of having the balls to call a bloated idiot a bloated idiot. But, we were kind to Funky Larry because he was one of our own. He was our red-headed step child that we took under our wing and showed him love and affection in hopes that he would better himself (and his music). We tolerated his bumbling business dealings and sales agreements, his phony New Orleans stories that were an attempt to add credibility to his hokey blues act, his ineptitude, and his foul bodily odors. Why? Because he was one of us. But now that he turned on his family that loved, understood, and put up with him, it's time to show Funky Larry some tough love.
If Funky Larry ceases and desists with his backbiting and hateful slander, you have heard the last of this tale. If he is dumber than we think he is, which there are 10 to 1 odds that he is, we will tell the whole story in its entirety, and it will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help us George W.
Now, the second lunatic that we stuck on our advertisers goes by the name of Gina. Recruited from the Ninevolt camp, we smelled trouble from day one. She came to us down and out, jobless and homeless because she was fired from the Landmark rag for reasons that are still unknown to us, though we can easily piece it together.
Anyway, we took Gina and her wounded pride in because, like we did for Funky Larry, we are bleeding heart liberals that feel that two-time-losers deserve as many chances as it takes to get their shit together. And with Gina, we tolerated her nasty boyfriend and their destructive drinking behaviors that were reminiscent of Mickey Rourke and (I think it was) Faye Dunaway in the movie "Barfly." With Gina, we tolerated her hounding us for loans and advances. We even tolerated her getting checks from our advertisers made out in her name! In other words, we tolerated her stealing from us. But, we can not and will not tolerate her going from bar to bar running up tabs, leaving our Fearless LeaderÕs name as a reference for collectors to call, and then skipping town.
If anyone knows Gina and her whereabouts, please contact SPLASH. We want to save her from herself and her boyfriend, who has a habit of throwing up on himself while wearing his Ninevolt T-shirt. We don't mean her any harm. Gina deserves our love and pity. Like in Rush Limbaugh's case, it's too easy to kick a junkie when they are down. Let them rehab first and then we'll go for the jugular.

Our final pleas: To our advertisers, please accept our apologies for sending Gina and Funky Larry out to you. And, to Gina, please come to us to get the help and guidance that you need. And to Funky Larry, please forget that SPLASH exists and that you even knew us at one time.