This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anybody's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. Most people hate you, but you couldn't care less. Someone to whom you owe money to is likely to beat forty-seven shades of shit out of you this month. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it. I just felt an instantaneous and unstoppable urge to inform you that you don't just suck like a supersonic jet engine on high-octane fuel; no, you are the singularity and event horizon of Suck: The Super massive Black Hole of Suck. Yes, your Suck is so powerful that nothing - nothing - escapes its pull. Oh, did I mention that you suck? Have a nice day, cheers.

TAURUS

Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbf@#k without even the common sense of a carrot. Most Taureans are living on welfare. You will either end your days bitter and alone, having been betrayed by everyone you ever trusted, or your wife will murder you for the insurance and shack up with your brother. This month you will make a new friend who has the potential to be your best friend. However, your wife will seduce him, and both of them will laugh their asses off at you - while he drinks your beer in your bed. Here is a useful tip: eat 2lbs of spicy Indian curry and then fart your head back out of your ass.

GEMINI

Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply put, you're a manic-depressive schizophrenic. This month, you are likely to be busy furthering a passionate carnal relationship with a latex sex toy. Either that, or your neighbors dog will develop a rabid fear of you and an aversion to the scent of Vaseline. Stop rubbing Rogaine onto your swollen manboobs in the hopes of growing some chest hair and come away from that window you are wiggling your ass out of in the hope that some passing stranger might be desperate enough to grope it for the first sexual experience of your life. Merry Christmas.

CANCER

Your offline relationships are suffering, but you just can't seem to figure out why. Could it be because they don't exist anymore? Saying "Good morning" to the Postman once every two months or so cannot be accurately described as a "social life"; no matter how desperate you are to convince yourself that you still have one. Things are not looking any better for your online relationships either: you are likely to be seduced by an affection-starved Internet She-beast seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. No one likes you, even your dog ran away from home. The heavens suggest that you are likely to be murdered and your body disposed of in several trashcans. This will cause much joy and celebration in the lives of all who know you. Ever thought of emigrating and removing one more bit of pollution from the country?

LEO

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Stop wasting oxygen and die already.

VIRGO

You may be the only person to have ever gotten AIDS from a toilet seat by sitting down before the last guy got up, and you may well have been voted "Man of the Year" by Time magazine for having had more meat between your buns than McDonald's, but what you fail to realize, Mr. Double Award Winner, is that all anyone wants to hear from you is absolute silence. How about you get a hobby beyond making a rancid ass out of yourself every time you open your mouth? This week is a good time to start that masturbating marathon you want to record on your web cam. An older loved one may be having problems and require your support. Therefore, you should avoid older loved ones for the remainder of this month.

LIBRA

For your entire life people will make a complete ass out of you. This month a stranger will borrow your car and tell you straight out he has no intention of returning it. As usual, you are likely to smile and say, "You're welcome." I'm guessing that you were spawned by a mutated chromosome, created by your father humping the decaying carcass of a beached whale; and then humping your mother in a dumpster at the rear of Hooters, two days before he committed suicide by bungee jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge without a rope. You are what happens when the sperm bank also deals in monkey semen.

SCORPIO

Mirrors can't lie about how you look, and lucky for you they canšt laugh either. You have an insatiable curiosity and a strong desire to try new things, probably because your life is a shit-hole in the middle of nowhere - a one-horse-town with no horse. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet or try bungee jumping with the cord tied around your neck. Your romance life is not looking good either. You should dump your girlfriend before she dumps you later in the month. All bullshit aside, the last time you had sex with another human being was in 1988, your poor mother is still in intensive therapy because of it.
 

SAGITTARIUS

Unlike other signs this week, Pluto will conjoin the solar eclipse next Wednesday and seriously f@#k your day up. Thursday, you'll think a thousand priests just poked you up the ass. You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to be addicted to fetish pornography and import German sex toys. Purchasing that packet of condoms shows that you're foolishly optimistic about your chances of a romp in the sack this month. You seriously need to consider mail-ordering a bride from some impoverished country in Eastern Europe. Save your breath. You'll need it to inflate your date.

CAPRICORN

You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet, reflective type. A mean self-centered ass and a closet homosexual. Your best (and only) friend is probably your mother. It's a great month for adventure. The sky is the limit, so get ahead and do all the crazy things you always wanted to do. Of course, you won't enjoy any of it and all of your ambitions are likely to end in failure and bitter disillusionment, but don't let that stop you - it will give you plenty more things to brood 'reflectively' about. Do yourself and your long-suffering parents a favor and go suck on a high-voltage cable. As it's the Happy Holiday season, may the Dove of Peace shit in your mouth.

AQUARIUS

Aquarians tend to be anal-retentive. No, wait - that's Librarians. Aquarians are the eternal optimists, seeing the best of any situation. As a failure, you're a great success. Most people consider you to be an imbecile. It is apparent that you and reality never got along and have now permanently parted ways with irreconcilable differences. This month is not a good time to start a new relationship. If you do, you are likely to have your first experience of transsexual sex while in a drugged condition. Watch out for the safety of your things if you are in public places. You clearly have the potential to become one of McDonalds' 50,000 best ever burger-flippers. You would make an excellent sideshow attraction.

PISCES

It's not looking good. You will start the day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed doing energetic push-ups...alas, you won't see the mouse trap until it is too late. You are likely to break some ribs while trying out some of the solo positions from the Karma Sutra after a session of meth-snorting. The singular accomplishment in your insignificant life is the successful dodging of a coat hanger for the first 9-months of it. This is a good month to give your sister back her panties before she discovers the theft and confronts you about it in front of your friends. I don't need to be a gay expert to tell that you are a sausage jockey: you look like a Sherry-sipping Frenchman in a miniskirt.