Normally I use this section to recap drunken revelries about threesomes, foursomes, and other golf terms I learned while out on tour. But this month I'd rather discuss this whole global warming thing because it's friggin' hot outside!!! Hotter than usual, and that ain't okay with me. Now I know when Al Gore invented global warming he was probably just trying to think of something that could top his last invention, the internet. But did he have to go this far? I mean, his first invention was great. I use it to keep in contact with friends and colleagues, to look up information about items I find in my neighbor's garbage, and even download beautifully crafted films about what goes on behind the scenes at the petty zoo. But this global warming thing can't seem to find a single use for it. All it does is melt the ice caps and leave thousands of polar bears stranded and homeless...which poses a new problem. What do we do with all the homeless polar bears? I mean, we have enough trouble already with homeless guys sleeping under the piers and highway underpasses. The last thing we need are polar bears sleeping on the benches at the oceanfront begging for spare change so they can go buy themselves a Coca-Cola to relive their glory days from the North Pole. Their once beautiful white coats now stained brown from bar smoke and the dishwasher job at the crappy Mexican restaurant that they held down for two and a half shifts before being fired for allegedly stealing from the bartender's tip jar. It really is a sad sight. Damn you Al Gore for displacing so many cute and cuddly predators. Not a single hot summer day passes when I don't sit in my SUV with the A/C cranked, driving aimlessly toward no particular destination. I sit there and I think long and hard about how you are killing the planet with your stupid global warming. Shut it off!!! I beg you Al, shut it off now!!! Or at least before next Monday when I go to Busch Gardens again. It was way too hot last time, bro.

September Predictions:
-Michael Vick will be cast to play the lead in a new Live-Action version of Disney's 101 Dalmations.
-Lindsey Lohan will team up with Amy Winehouse to record a remix of her smash hit "Rehab" that will be recorded live from rehab. This song will be the debut single from their duet album "Betty Ford Sings the Blues."
-Harry Potter emerges from the secrecy of the wizarding world and shows up at the Comedy Central headquarters in New York to release their executives from Voldemort's Crucias curse, Mind of Mencia is immediately cancelled.
-September 8 (Baton Rouge, LA): LSU crushes VA Tech both on the field (33 to 10), as well as, off the field when the Bayou Bengals show the Hokies why LSU is the #1 tailgating school in the country and eventual national champions for second time in five years.

Comedy Calendar:
September 1-2: Funny Bone: Greg Warren (SAT 8:00 & 10:30, SUN 7:00)
September 1: Cozzy's Comedy Club: Buzz Nuttley w/ Ray Bullock (8:30 & 10:30)
September 4: Bayside Inn-Open Mic (9:00 p.m.)
September 5: Funny Bone: Apollo Night hosted by Bodacious (10:00 p.m.)
September 6: Cozzy's Comedy Club: Open Mic Night hosted by Jay Gates (9:00 p.m.)
September 7-9: Funny Bone: D.L. Hughley (FRI-SAT 8:00 & 10:30, SUN 7:00)
September 11: Bayside Inn-Open Mic (9:00 p.m.)
September 12: Funny Bone: Apollo Night hosted by Bodacious (10:00 p.m.)
September 12-16: Funny Bone: Al Madrigal (WED-THURS 8:00, FRI-SAT 8:00 & 10:30, SUN 7:00 p.m.)
September 18: Bayside Inn ? An Evening of Comedy & Hip Hop (9:00 p.m.)
September 19: Funny Bone: Apollo Night hosted by Bodacious (10:00 p.m.)
September 19-23: Funny Bone: Steve Trevino (WED-THURS 8:00, FRI-SAT 8:00 & 10:30, SUN 7:00 p.m.)
September 20: The Norva: An evening with Stephen Lynch (8:00 p.m.)
September 20: Enrico's on Colley Ave.-Comedy Night w/ Jason Kypros (9:30 p.m.)
September 25: Bayside Inn-Open Mic (9:00 p.m.)
September 26: Funny Bone: Apollo Night hosted by Bodacious (10:00 p.m.)
September 26-30: Funny Bone: The Untamed Shrews **Mature Audiences Only*** (WED-THURS 8:00, FRI-SAT 8:00 & 10:30, SUN 7:00 p.m.)

Contact Info: HYPERLINK "mailto:JayGates@cox.net" JayGates@cox.net