1) AIRPLANE TRAVEL- Welcome to Air Agony. Here's what's on our in-flight menu for today: obstructed eustachian tubes, barosi-nusitis, facial pain, ankle edema, airsickness, deep vein thrombosis leading to pulmonary embolus, dehydration. Traveling by air can give you all these not to mention the diseases you can catch from other passengers. If you wear contact lenses, air travel can irritate your corneas. It can also disrupt your body's circadian rhythms, cause frequent filling of evacuation bags in people with colostomies, and accentuate psychotic or other unpredictable psychological tendencies so you might want to keep a sharp eye on that guy sitting next to you conversing with his bread roll. If you're a frequent flyer, you're running the risk of inhaling dangerous levels of organophosphates; you're also being exposed to cosmic radiation at a greater intensity than you'd experience at ground level. Thank you for flying with us, and please come again soon!

2) ALBUQUERQUE- Albuquerque's drinking water contains more arsenic which can cause cancer of the liver, bladder, lungs, kidney, and prostate than does the water of any other major American city. Albuquerque can also be deadly when encountered in spelling bees.

3) ALFALFA SPROUTS- Have some health food! Alfalfa sprouts, the most common type of sprout in salad bars and produce departments; have been linked to a number of disease outbreaks due to contamination by salmonella and E-coli. In California between 1996 and 1998, more widespread outbreaks of food poisoning were caused by alfalfa sprouts than by anything else. However, this could be linked to the fact that in California between 1996 and 1998, people ate more alfalfa sprouts than anything else.

4) AMERICAN, BEING- There's nothing remotely funny about this, but being an American is a mixed blessing. In the decade before the events of September 2001, 36 percent of all terrorist attacks worldwide were directed at American interests. It is especially dangerous to be an American abroad. At any given moment, the U.S. State Department has a list of twenty or more countries Americans should avoid, and others they should think twice about visiting. In periodic "Worldwide Cautions" (for example, during tensions in the Middle. East in October 2000, and following the atrocities in September 2001), the State Department warns of periods of heightened threat to American citizens and interests everywhere in the world.

5) AMUSEMENT RIDES- More than ten thousand people require emergency room treatment in the U.S. each year, and an average of four of these die, as a result of injuries sustained on rides at amusement parks and fairs. Not much amusement there.

6) ARMPITS- If you were thinking about smelling a young man's armpits this weekend, change your plans: it can have a depressive effect.

7) APPLIANCES- In 1997, the most recent year for which data is available, seventy-six people died in the U.S. after being electrocuted by appliances such as television sets, battery chargers, fans, pumps, refrigerators, and air conditioners. The magnetic fields produced by appliances such as hair dryers, electric shavers, and vacuum cleaners may also increase the risk of miscarriages. Be safe-become Amish.

8) ARKANSAS- Arkansas is the fifth most unhealthy state in the U.S. Yes, of course we're going to tell you which states rank first through fourth, next time!

9) ANTIQUE STORES- Antique stores have high concentrations of molds, which can cause nasal stuffiness, eye irritation, and wheezing. If you're exposed to them for too long, you could end up with more severe reactions such as fever, shortness of breath, or mold infections in the lungs. And that's just in America, where an "antique" is anything made before 1945. European antique stores can probably kill at ten paces.

10) ANTIDEPRESSANTS, TAKING- Antidepressants can give you photosensitivity reactions, including hives, rashes, or other skin eruptions. People have been known to become suicidal or violent after taking sero-tonin reuptake inhibitors. One study found a possible relationship between using tricyclic antidepressants and contracting non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. And recently there have been claims that certain antidepressants are addictive. If you're taking enough antidepressants, though, all this may not bother you too much.